Year of the Selphie
by reno385
Summary: FINISHED! Zell and Irvine compete with each other to take Selphie to a dance at Balamb Garden. My first shot at what you might call romance. Rated K Plus for language. BONUS epilogue chapter and lost chapter aka the original chapter 3 both now up!
1. Raijin

Disclaimer: I own nothing I really want in this story.

Hey, everyone! I haven't written an FF8 fic in awhile and I have mostly done action/adventure fics lately, and I was bored and my girlfriend says I should "expand my horizons". I'm pretty sure she wasn't talking about my stories per se but I figured, what the hell, I'll write a romance. So, that's what this is. Yes, I said the R word. Romance. This is romance. Or, at least my version of it. Well it looks like its time for the monologue...

Ahem.The employees of Square, designing Final Fantasy 8, insisted that Selphie and Irvine were falling in love. But the gamers know that she and Zell were surely digging on each other. Watch Zell and Irvine kill themselves- and others- to win over Selphie's heart! It all started five years after the Second Sorceress War; Raijin and Fujin turned good and became SeeDs and Seifer was locked away. Next Friday would be the 5th anniversary of the day Squall and his SeeD squad defeating Sorceress Ultimecia. It all started when...

Chapter 1: Raijin

Did I put on too mcuh cologne today?

Is my hair okay?

Better straighten my hat.

The tattoo is cool. Chicks love the tattoo.

Ponytail or not? They like the ponytail. Yeah... ponytail.

Are my shorts too short? Too long? They don't seem the right length...

Selphie was walking innocently towards the cafeteria when Irvine and Zell jumped out of nowhere and ran towards her.

Not that cowboy-wanna-be!

What's Scarface doing here?

And so they got there at the same time.

"Oh, hey guys!"

"Selphie, do you want to go to the dance with me?" They blurted at the same time.

"Um," she said, looking at them both nervously. "Actually, I-"

"Don't go with him," they both said at the same time. "Go with me!"

"Actually, I was gonna go with Raijin," she said.

"What? Why Raijin?"

"Did you forget he tried to kill us? Twice?"

"I have several perfectly good reasons for wanting to go to the dance with Raijin."

"Such as..."

"He didn't ambush me out of nowhere. Yeah... anyway, I gotta go now. See ya later, guys." She caught up to Dr. Kadowaki, who was walking by, and began to gossip with her.

Zell and Irvine looked at each other.

"You're asking her to the dance?"

"Yeah... are you?"

"Of course."

"Then... I guess it's war."

"I guess it is." They began to walk away from each other.

"Oh yeah... it's war."

"War it is."

"War for Selphie."

"That it is."

"It is that."

"Which is war."

Nida, playing cards with the jogging kid on a nearby bench, shouted, "Shut up already!"

Saturday night found them both in the gym (accessible by going through the cafeteria) working away. Zell was strengthening his chest with a special kind of pushup. Irvine was running on the treadmill. They were both trying to shape up for more "Selphie appeal."

And they both glared at Raijin, effortlessly benching 320 pounds of sheer steel.

This'll never work, Zell thought. Neither of us can beat this guy. Then he got an idea. He left the gym in a hurry.

Zell chickened out, Irvine thought, smiling to himself. Unfortunately, this mind sidetrack caused him to lose his balance. He tripped over and hit his face on the control board and shot 4 feet away from the treadmill. "Ow," he moaned as Zell came hurrying back. He watched him approach Raijin with something in his hand.

"Hey, Raijin, old buddy, old pal, old friend. Can you do me a slight teensy weensy favor?"

"What is it?" he grunted as he put down his 320pound dumbell.

"Can you try some beer for me? I wanna have a second opinion about it."

(just a note everyone Zell is about 22 now just so you know)

:D The more you know:D (Sponsored by NBC. Not responsible for any injury or death caused by the "The More You Know" sign. Batteries not included, results may vary.)

"You know I don't drink, Zell."

"Well you sure looked drunk when we fought you at the Lunatic Pandora cuz you fought like a girl!"

"What was that!" Raijin jumped to his feet and began punching his palm with his fist threateningly.

Zell tried as hard as he could to look nervous."Uh-oh! Good thing I got this beer that _raises strength_!"

"What was that? Let me try some!"

He allowed Raijin to shove him to the side. "No! My beer!" But as according to plan, Raijin was high in 5 minutes. Raijin was never one for alcohol.

"Who are you?" he grogged at Zell. "Oh, it's the ice cream man. Where's my ice cream, you stupid cold tasty guy!" he slurred.

Zell left again. Irvine watched from a distance, wondering what Zell was up to.Raijin was starting to go to sleep in the middle of the gym when Zell came back with Selphie.

"I can't believe I forgot to ask him!" she said.

"Yeah, me too," Zell replied. "How odd. So ask him now."

"Um, Raijin, will you go to the dance with me?" she said.

By now, Raijin was even worse. He looked at her groggily. "Why, tats fairy flatterrin but I thank I wo not be widda prezzident uff poopeeness."

Selphie looked at Zell. "What, what does that mean?"

"I, uh, think it means no."

"Oh. OK, well, that's all right. I'll just skip on the dance, then."

Irvine felt that now was a good time to come into the show. He approached them.

"Hey guys, how y'all doing?"

"Oh no, not this again..." Selphie put her hand on her forehead. "Good day, good bye. Sorry but I'm kind of afraid to talk to you both at the same time. See you." She walked away. They were about to follow her when Raijin stood in their path, entering the third stage of hisalcoholic tantrums: rage.

"I wum my ice cream!" he bellowed. He started throwing weights at them.

They dodged a 60-pounder and ran after Selphie.

"I'll comfort you!"

"You can come sleep with me tonight!"

The two ran into each other as they ran down after Selphie. Eventually, Irvine threw Zell over the edge of the walkway and into the water below. He caught up with Selphie. He held her back. "Selphie, it's okay," he soothed, embracing her in a big warm hug. "I just want you to know that I'M HERE when YOU WANT ME and I have MORE COMPASSION THAN SOME PEOPLE IN THIS PLACE."

She brushed away her last tears and said, "Thanks, Irvine. Now I know who I really want to go with."

"Well," he started in satisfaction, "it's your lucky day, because I'm open and-"

"I want to go with Squall."

"I thought Squall was going with Rinoa!" Irvine said in disbelief.

"No," she replied. "He and Rinoa got in a fight."

"How can he not go with her? They're getting married in September!"

"It's that bad. I'm not going to do anything serious to get between them. I'll just ask him to the dance as friends.Well, anyway, see ya!" she walked away, smiling back.

"Squall will be harder than Raijin," Zell said as he climbed out of the water.

"Yeah, well, he'll probably say no."

"I wouldn't be too sure..."


	2. Squall

Even though I'm a Zelphie fan, I do somewhat understand the Selvine thing. And I've found that the number of Selvine supporters outweigh the number of Zelphie supporters. So the decision's not really biased either way. Not even I know who she's going to pick. So you'll just have to see and find out who gets the Selphie and who's left with the Quistis. (shiver) It's turning my hair white just thinking about it. And for anyone who might think this is a little familiar, I posted the first and second chapters of this story awhile back but I was posting it as I wrote it and I kind of got a block so I cut the story. Now I finish my stories before I post them... live and learn, I guess. Also on another note, the night I put the finishing touches on the lastchapter I was tired and it was really late and when you upload thesechapters onto the document manager sometimes the words scrunch together. I already went through and fixed all that in Chapter 1, and I'll try to watch out for them in Chapter 2, just so you know. Well, that's it. Enjoy!

Chapter 2- Squall

"Steve!" Zell called over the phone. "Steve! The connection on this thing sucks."

He heard his foster father talking as the static lowered. "I'd rather you still call me Dad, Zell. What do you need?"

"Um, I was hoping to go to the dance next Friday with Selphie, but she wants to go with Squall instead. What should I do?"

"Isn't Squall going with Rinoa?" Steve hollered over the phone.

"They got in a fight and they're not going with the other," he answered. "What do I do?"

"Hope she changes her mind."

"What?"

"You can't keep Selphie from going with Squall."

Zell sighed. "All right/Steve/. I'll see ya around, I guess."

"Bye, Zell."

"Tell Lisa-I mean, Mom, I said hi." Click.

Zell put down the cordless and sighed. "What I need to do," he said out loud, "is something nearly impossible. Making Squall jealous. If he even says yes."

Irvine crumpled up another piece of paper and threw it into the wastepaper basket. He took another clean sheet and began sketching again, but in disgust crumpled that one as well.

He had been attempting a plan to hurt Squall somehow. Not badly, but enough to make him miss the dance. "If I dropped the rock from the roof-no, that wouldn't work. Over here I could put a trip wire there, but someone else might trip over it." He thought, these people are into forensics so much that they could make a CSI: Balamb Garden! Better than CSI: Miami. Not as good as CSI, but close. He ripped up the sketch of Squall lying on the ground in the Training Center with a twisted ankle and a facial expression that he meant to look like pain but looked like constipation and got up. "Maybe I could try something else. I could try to get Squall and Rinoa back together again! Yes, that's it." He smirked to himself. Sefie is as good as mine, he thought with triumph. And then I could break his ankle if it doesn't work.

Selphie knew he would be here. In the Training Center. He's spent half his day here ever since he and Rinoa got into that fight. What was it about again? Oh, yeah. Rinoa got mad because Squall had so many belts that it took 10 minutes for him to get naked. He didn't want to take off those belts. One thing led to another, and Rinoa had burst out of the room, yelling about him being selfish.

She found him in the secret place. He always went there at night. She saw him making out with the library girl. "SQUALL!"

"Selphie! It's not what it looks like!"

"Yes it is, Squall," the library girl said jovially.

"You're kissing the library girl /and she's drunk!"

Squall got up. "Selphie, you don't understand! It's been so hard on me that Rinoa thinks I'm selfish, it just kinda-happened. I'm under a lot of stress. What would you do if Irvine yelled at you and thought you were thoughtless?"

"I don't like Irvine, I like-I like Zell, or maybe I do like Irvine. Or Zell. I don't know!"

"You three have a love triangle," Squall said knowledgeably.

"We do?"

"Yes," Squall replied, ignoring the library girl stripping behind Selphie. "They love you."

"They do?"

"Yes, both of them. I can tell. The way they look at you, they way they talk to you. They're crazy about you. But their kind of love-" Squall began staring at the library girl's rack as she exotically danced around.

Selphie snapped her fingers in his face. "Snap out of it!"

"Oh, sorry. Their kind of love is so great that they'll hurt anyone standing in their way. That includes the other."

"You mean they might get in a fight?"

"That's exactly what I mean. So don't pick either one. Pick someone that they think you're happy with until they cool down a bit."

"Well, that's kinda why I came here. I wanted to ask you to come."

"Me?" Squall looked at her quizzically. "Why me?"

"Because you're the strong, quiet type, I guess. Actually, when you think about it, this is good because they think I'm happy with you and Rinoa might get jealous and apologize." She turned around. "Get out of here tramp!" she said to the library girl.

"You actually thought up a good idea, Selphie," Squall said, smiling. "There's something you don't see every day."

"Let's try it."

Knock. Knock. Rinoa's voice rang, "Squall, I said go away, you self ritchious piece of-" she opened the door. "Oh, hi Zell! What brings you here?"

It came out in a slurred rant. "Doyuwannagotodadancewimme?"

"Come again?"

"Do you want to go to the dance with me?"

Rinoa shifted her weight a little. "Um, I don't know, don't you wanna go with Irvine?"

"What, you think I'm-"

"I mean, Selphie. Selphie! Don't you wanna go with Selphie?"

"Yeah, but she's going with Squall."

"Squall!" she was outraged. "We had a little fight and he's going with /Selphie!"

"Well, he thinks you think he's selfish."

"He /is/ selfish!"

"Example?"

Rinoa looked around a bit, seemingly thinking intensely. "His belts. He won't get rid of them."

"Well, he likes them! Don't you think /you're/ being selfish!"

"I'm not selfish," she said stubbornly. "I just think that he should put them away."

"Well, he doesn't want to. You're being just as selfish as he is. Probably more! How intense was your fight?"

"He didn't yell very much-"

"Exactly! He doesn't want to hurt you, he just likes the belt. How much were /you/ yelling?"

"I-" she looked a bit guilty. "I almost lost my voice."

"That's right. He's sorry and he needs more than 2 seconds to apologize."

"Really?"

"I don't know, I just made it up."

"Well, do you think I should apologize?"

"By all means, please."

"Thank you Zell!" she said smiling. She kissed him on the cheek. "Bye!"

She ran out. Zell saw a G-string on her bed. He went towards it.

"And don't touch my G-string!" she called back. Zell sighed and closed her door. "This is better than making Squall jealous," he said to himself with satisfaction. "Now they'll make up before the day's over."

Hope you enjoyed and thanks for all the good reviews!


	3. Familiar?

Chapter 3- Familiar?

"Have you ever done something like this before?"

"No... what the problem is it's a normal SeeD routine, but we don't even get training for it."

Squall nodded in agreement. "I heard someone in Congress put in a bill to make it a law to train us for this, and it almost passed."

"But it didn't," Irvine sighed. "At least it'll go away one day, when we're old, and the poor young SeeDs won't have to do this. Someday."

"Well... let's get started." Squall turned on the walkie talkie, whispering, "B-SeeD team Leonhart, team Leonhart, going in for mission type 0001."

"Ooh that sounds cool!" Rinoa shouted from the other line. "Wait, I'm supposed to say something. What is it again?"

"Say, team Leonhart, you are OK for mission. Proceed."

"Team Leonhart, you are OK for mission. Proceed."

"Well it's best you say it twice."

"Proceed, proceed."

"No, the team name."

"Why, so if you forget and don't here me the first time then you'll know?"

"Just... just give Quistis the walkie talkie. Forget it, we're starting the mission. Well... let's get to it." And with that, they began one a long, tedious mission.

Waking up Zell.

"Zell! Wake up!" Quistis rocked his shoulder.

"Like that'll work."

"One day, Squall."

"After you win the lottery three days in a row. Okay, let's get the megaphones and the jackhammer. It's gonna be a long morning."

(1 hour later in Cid's office)

"Where are Squall and Irvine?" Quistis asked.

"They're in the infirmary," Cid answered. Everyone glared at Zell.

"Sorry if I'm a heavy sleeper. And if I am a little cranky when woken up..."

"You threw Squall into the wall! There were cracks in it!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Anyway, what's the mission?"

Cid heaved a sigh. "Fate has conspired to bring an unfortunate event upon us. I..."

"Yes?"

"I... went to Balamb and forgot to do my grocery shopping. Can you go for me?"

"Well, sir, we're nowhere near Balamb now." The garden had, in fact, taken flight from the Balamb area early that morning.

Nida called from his piloting platform above, "We're almost directly above Deling City, sir, why don't we just go there?"

"Well you see, there's this bakery in Balamb that makes just the right kind of crullers that you can't find anywhere else."

"So you expect us to travel halfway around the world just for some donuts?"

"Would you mind?"

(1 week later)

"Finally... couldn't he've at least dropped us off?"

Squall, in his SeeD uniform like he's SUPPOSED to be, the punk thinking he doesn't have to just because he saved the world, curled his fingers around the pistol of the gunblade slung on his back. "Don't worry about it Selphie... don't worry about it."

They left the Balamb Train Station and made their way down a road that they never noticed until the day right after they defeated Ultimecia, and entered a nearby bakery. After they'd bought the crullers, and they left, Selphie noticed a man in a lobster suit in front of a seafood restaurant, which was strange, because the lobster had 7 inteannas.. She approached him.

In a reluctant voice, he said, "Come in for a swashbuckling, lobster-ific time at Lucky Sevens Skippy's with 7 off all defected crayfish. That does not include those with cancer or extra legs."

"Crayfish don't have legs."

"These ones do... unfortunately, the extra legs rule only counts for those with more than seven legs. So far there've been seven."

"Okay... so, what's your name?"

Another reluctant sigh. "Carl the Crab..."

Selphie chuckled. "How about this... I'll be in town for awhile... why don't we hook up sometime?"

"Um... sure, okay. I get off work in seven hours."

"Wait... is there some kind of theme here?"

"Um, fish?"

"No, another one... seven."

"Seven?"

"Seven."

He shrugged. "I don't know, it's not supposed to be like that."

"I had a dream about 7... and the letter F."

"7F?"

"More like FF7... what does it mean though?"

"I have no idea."

"Anyway... here's my number. Call me when you get off, okay?"

(later)

Zell kicked off his shoes and rested on the bed. "I always liked this hotel. I always asked my mom if we could stay here even if it is down the road from our house. So, Squally boy, when are they coming back for us, you know?"

Squall sat at the window, looking outside. "Zell, sending us halfway around the world for donuts, I'm not sure if they want to come back for us."

"Oh, come on," Quistis waved. "You know the Headmaster and his crullers. You're acting weird... you miss Rinoa, don't you?"

"Haha!" Zell laughed, pointing. "Squall has a girlfriend!"

"And you don't."

Zell turned his head to Selphie at the exact same moment she turned her head in the other direction because she knew he would look at her. "I'm working on it, okay, Squally boy?"

"Will you stop calling me that!"

"Why does Rinoa even hang out at Garden anyway? She's not a student, she never will be. Why doesn't she move to a town and get a job?"

"I just pulled some strings with Cid," answered Squall, shrugging. "It's not that hard when he's your foster father."

"Father?" Everyone was confused.

"Well, think about it. His wife owned the orphanage, we were her beneficiaries because we lived in the orphanage."

"But..." Irvine pondered. "But that would mean we're all in a way siblings."

Squall chuckled. "Which is why it's funny you four are doing stuff, you sickos."

"WHAT?"

"Oh come on! It's the same story every time." Squall turned around. "One of these two idiots try to get some with Selphie. They fail, and then they go to Quistis and she gets sloppy seconds. And then you do it again! And again and again! You people are so repetetive!"

Everyone stared wide-eyed at Squall's sudden outburst. "I mean... whatever." He turned back to the window. "Anyway, uh Zell, they said they'd come get us in three days."

"Yeah... thanks."

Quistis frowned. "Wait... then we'll miss the dance."

"Yeah, and?"

"And? AND? I'll tell you what's and, Squally boy, have you forgotten what this dance commemorates?"

"People who use too big words?" Zell put in.

"It's for us! We defeated Ultimecia, and this is what it celebrates!"

"Oh come on, Quistis, like anyone cares. This is just an excuse for Cid and Edea to party hardy, you know that, right? And besides, why is it that I'm the only one who doesn't care about the dance, yet I'm the only one who heard it was postponed?"

"What?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, it's a week from tomorrow now."

So they still had a chance. That night Selphie left and waited outside the hotel. Soon after, a man covered in a deep red cloak approached her. "Uh... I'll give you all my money, just please don't hurt me!"

"Selphie, it's me."

"How do you know my name?"

"It's me, Vin- uh, Carl the Crab."

She relaxed. "Oh. Come on, let's walk, let's talk. So where are you from?"

"Um... far, far away. I'm from far, far away. And you?"

"I'm from Garden. Balamb Garden."

"Right, the uniform you had on earlier today."

They walked down the road into downtown. If they had looked behind them, they would have known that a bush that they had passed was following their every move. People stared, but didn't do any much else. Guess who? Yeah, it was Zell.

Irvine, on the other hand, watched above on the rooftops. "They're holding hands? This is serious... to the Irvine mobile!"

"AAAACHOOO!"

"Was that you, Carl?"

"I think it came from behind." They turned around.

"Since when was this bush in the middle of the road?" Selphie looked behind to see a man down the street. "God bless you!"

His eyes moved side-to-side. "Um... thank you?"

Snap! "Ow!"

They turned around again. "I swear this bush just shouted in pain..."

Irvine chuckled with his rock stash from above. But his laughs were cut short when Zell threw the rock back up. Having a stronger arm than Irvine, he hit him hard, startling him and causing him to fall off the 2-story building.

"Irvine?" She turned around and saw Zell's head protruding out of the bush. "Zell? What are you-?" Then something happened that never happened before. Selphie... got... angry. "What are you two DOING! WHY HAVE YOU TWO BEEN FOLLOWING ME! DON'T YOU GET IT! I... DON'T... LIKE... EITHER... OF... YOU! NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I GO NUMCHUCK ON BOTH YOUR ASSES!"

Zell and Irvine slowly scuttled out of sight. "AND YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY DATE AND ME! So Carl where do you want to go for dinner?"

"I... uh... well... um... crabs."

"You want to eat crabs?"

"No, I don't... but do you! Because if you want to then we can-"

"Actually I wanted to eat at this new burger place."

"Okay, okay, anything..." And so they went happily along.

A new evil had just been unleashed into the world. And its name was Selphie.

Review please! Chapter 4 coming soon.


	4. Tension

Disclaimer: Guess what? Something new that I don't own has appeared! For those of you who watch weeknight Adult Swim or Sunday Fox, you may be surprised at what you see...

Chapter 4- Tension

-Balamb Hotel

-3 days, 9 hours, 44 minutes remaining

"Geez, you could cut the tension with a knife," Quistis murmured.

Squall waved his hand. "I knew they would do this eventually, I just knew it."

"Well, it's almost time for bed," Quistis said. "Who gets the beds?"

"Let's say this," Squall said. "I get this bed, and you all decide amongst yourselves who's pairing up with who, because there's four of you and only two beds. I would personally prefer Selphie and Quistis in the same bed just in case..."

"Squall!"

"What? It's just a joke."

Everything went silent. "What? You never heard of a joke before?"

"Those words, Squall... have you ever said them before?"

"What, the joke thing? I don't... I don't remember ever saying it."

"This... this is good news. It means you're finally changing."

"Changing? ...Whatever."

"But some things will always stay the same. Anyway, I don't mind sleeping on the floor."

"Me too," Squall said, finding a spot near the closet.

Quistis yawned. "Night everyone."

"Good night Squall," Selphie said. "Good night Quistis."

Quistis cleared her throat. "Ahem, aren't you forgetting two people?"

"Oh that's right, thanks Quistis. Good night bedstand who didn't try to pry into my romance life. Good night lamp who didn't stalk my date and me."

"Ouch," Squall muttered.

The next morning, they waited at the docks of Balamb for the Garden to arrive.

Quistis asked, "So, Selphie, how did your date go?"

"Ah, weird, actually. First of all we were bothered by THESE TWO LEECHES!" As she said that, the sky darkened, the waters rumbled, and two birds in the air caught on fire and plummeted to the ground. "But then he started asking me these weird questions about SeeD. I'm not even sure if his real name was Carl. And he kept talking about eternal sleeps and that stuff..."

"So no second date?"

"Nope, 'fraid not."

Zell and Irvine approached cautiously. "Um... Selphie?"

"Go away."

"Selphie, listen. We have a question to ask."

"What is it? And if it's about the dance I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR LIMBS AND FEED THEM TO YOU AT GUNPOINT AND THEN STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN INTESTINES!"

Chaos erupted as the evil wave spread out again. Cars' alarms sounded everywhere, the ground trembled violently, and a dog nearby became rabid as it's eyes glowed a strong carbuncle red.

"Uh... n-no, by the way Irvine, your hair's on fire."

"Oh my God!" He ran to the dock to put it out.

"A-anyw-way, Selphie, we wanted to apologize for being such jerks."

Irvine trudged back with half of his ponytail gone and the rest black and crusty. "Yeah... we goofed, big time."

"And...?"

"And we won't follow you on your dates anymore."

"Or?"

"Sabotage your attempts to ask people to the dance."

"Or?"

Irvine lowered his head. He muttered, "Or steal your underwear and wear it on missions."

"Hmm... okay, I forgive you. But just... this... once. Okay?"

"Hey, weirdos!" Squall shouted. "The Garden's here!"

Rinoa was waiting for them in the 2F hallway when they entered from the observatory deck. "Squall!" She ran towards him, embracing him tightly.

"Hey, Rinoa. What's up?"

"Not much. Bored, hanging out with my friends at the library. So how are you, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, all insignificant obscure others?"

"Okay."

"Not bad."

"So-so."

"...?"

"Haha, I'm just kidding Irvine. You're not obscure!"

That night for dinner, Zell ordered a foot long hot dog and sat at his usually table with a junior classman and a Trepie. There was an unusually large amount of people there at the table, gathering around the Trepie. "What's going on here?" Zell asked a SeeD graduate.

"Your friend here says he can find any girl's sweet spot."

"Huh?"

A young female SeeD stepped out of the crowd.

The Trepie, a big-chinned transfer student new to the Trepie group, whose name just happened to be Glenn Quagmire (no relation to Family Guy... or is there?), looked at her pensively. "She loves the smell of Old Spice deodorant."

"What kind?"

"Old Sport."

"...he's right."

"Oh! Giggety giggety."

Yep... that's our Quagmire, all right." Zell noticed Selphie and Rinoa at a nearby table. "Hey, can you do her in the yellow dress over there?"

Quagmire looked. "Hmm... that's a toughy but I'd have to say... romantic kisses under a... quarter wane moon. Either that or cat fur."

"I see... great. Thanks, man."

(meanwhile)

"You don't know, do you?"

"Uh... I'm sorry, I haven't talked to girls in a really really really long time." Pop! "Oops sorry, another zit popped. Uh-oh you got some on your cheek, just let me get that for you... just gotta get my zit juice hanky out."

"You know what, thanks, but I got it. I'll just be going now." She walked away, wiping the juice off of her in disgust. "How did I ever get the nerve to ask the CC Club Jack to the dance? I must be desperate..." She sighed, slumping down on a bench. "There's got to be some guy I can go out with. It's not as though Mr. Perfect will just come walking by." Just then something hit her face. "Hey!"

It was a dove's wing as it flapped by. In fact, a whole flock of doves from out of nowhere flew up high to the top of the garden. She heard beautiful music. "What... what is this?" Then she saw him... Mr. Perfect. Everything about him, his clothes, his hair... it was all perfect. She stood up. This was it. This was him. Her heart was pounding, she was as nervous as she ever was. She slowly approached him. "Excuse me, but-"

"Hi Quistis!" he sang.

"Oh hi Jake. Hey, do you want to go to the dance with me?"

"Sure, okay." The walked away together.

Selphie just stared. She thought about one thing, and one thing only.

Revenge.

Since I've been getting alot if reviews, I'm gonna add some special features: the next chapter's title, and some quotes from that chapter.

Up next: Chapter 5- Payback

"Revenge is a dish best served cold, you know that?"

"Really? I thought that was calimari."

Review please! By the way, in case anyone is interested, I also have a story in FF7 called **The Iris** that has some FF8 characters in it, including a reference and explanation to Vincent and Selphie's "strange date"... .Read it sometime if you're interested.


	5. Payback

Chapter 5- Payback

Revenge Part 1- Taking a Dip

"I'm a very busy person, Selphie."

"I know, just take it."

"Selphie I have many other things to do."

"I know Xu, but just take it."

"Selphie, I have to-"

"JUST GRAB THE DAMN STRING!"

"Okay, okay..."

Selphie and Xu, the next day, set up a series of strings in the main area of the Garden. "So, how's this supposed to work again?"

"Quistis comes running along here. She trips on this wire, sort of regains her footing, then trips on this one, which is angled slightly towards the side. Then she keeps tripping on these wires of decreasing angles until she eventually falls over the edge and into the water below.

"Whose idea was it to fill the floor up with water anyway? Really they should put a plastic floor above the surface or something, people keep falling over."

"Shh! Here she comes! Duck!"

"No, it's rabbit season!"

"Get down here!" Selphie pulled Xu down behind a bench. Quistis approached, walking by on her usual early morning "hall patrol", the perfect time to set this up because she was the only one dumb enough to come out this early.

"You know, I like Quistis, this isn't really the right thing to-"

"Shut up!"

And if Xu had looked close enough, she would've seen the shadow of a demon lurking in Selphie's eyes. "Here it is!"

Quistis tripped over the first wire. Instead of falling on her face like Xu had expected, she regained her footing just before hitting the next angled wire. If someone from afar had seen her, it would look like she was drunkenly performing a wayward dance. And eventually, she fell over the side of the rail into the water below.

"Hey! Help! Somebody! I can't get up!"

Selphie snickered to herself silently. Xu, already guilty enough, got up and showed herself. "Don't worry Quistis, I'll help you up!" And by the time she was up on the walkway again, Selphie was gone. Xu hadn't the heart to tell Quistis that one of her friends had pulled this prank on her. What a horrible choice this was.

Revenge Part 2- Seconds, please!

"Wires, huh?" Rinoa shrugged. "I have no idea how that could've been done, it must've been someone majoring in super geometry or something."

Raijin snorted. "Super geometry, huh?"

Rather than the whole team sitting together like one might expect, they actually sat at several different ones. Quistis, Squall, Rinoa, Raijin, and a gunblade specialist named Jake, aka "Mr. Perfect", sat at one table near the far side of the cafeteria, near the gym (and no there is no gym I made it up, people were asking me about that, spending a whole bunch of time looking for it). Zell sat with an honors student, Nida, and Quagmire the Trepie, who said he was transfered from Quahog Garden, which no one believed even existed. Irvine sat with three other SeeDs, two guys and a girl. Selphie sat at an all-girls table with Fujin, a majority of the library staff, and a student of Quistis's.

"Maybe it was a cross student."

Quistis shook her head. "I don't think so. All my students love me. During the sex ed unit, the boys all kept asking for an activity. Said it would help them learn."

"Did you give them one?"

"Yeah, I paired them up with the girls."

"Is... is that legal?"

"Oh yes, of course."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, they just wrote reports and I paired them up with the opposite sex to give them a second perspective. Why you ask?"

"No reason, none at all. Anyway, let's eat."

"Quistis, what's that?"

"Oh, this? The lunch lady gave me this weird box. Said it was special order."

"Do you remember special ordering anything?"

"No, it was probably one of those Trepies."

Rinoa sighed. "I wish I had a group of public admirers. The Heartilliies. Yeah..."

But when Quistis opened the styrofoam box, a ton of salsa and guacamole sprung into her face, splattering all over her.

The whole cafeteria was silent.

"Uh... need a napkin?"

As Jake escorted Quistis out of the cafeteria, Xu watched from afar, shaking her head in disappointment.

Revenge Part 3- Quistis the Legendary Mud Wrestler

The next day, Quistis was not distraught, but very aware. Someone was out to get her. She walked into class to find one of her students on the floor. "Billy... what are you doing?"

"I'm dying, Mrs. Trepe."

"Why in the world are you dying?"

"I touched the lead in my pencil. Lead is poisonous. Stacy said."

"Did Stacy say she was a D student? Because she is, don't listen to anything she says." Quistis helped Billy up. "Lead is not poisonous, only its fumes, and its graphite in the pencil." As Billy got into his seat, Quistis stepped behind her desk. Clearing her throat, she said aloud, "As many of you may know, a series of pranks has been set on me. I don't know why. If you have any information I'd like to know because being attacked by spinach is not my idea of a fun lunch." The class laughed. "And if you're the one... just know that you'll have to deal with Squall Leonhart." Squall was walking by at the time; he looked inside, faking a maniacal wide-eyed grin as he walked by.

The class seemed to be going rather well. Today Quistis would go in-depth into the history and usages of the GF Quezacotl, the sciences of conjuring a thundara spell, how its formed, and how it reacts with other types of magic.

"Which brings me to Quezacotl's overall compatability." Quistis erased some of her squiggles to make room for more squiggles. "Quezacotl has proven to be most compatible with males and females with seclusive features, because this particular GF thrives on loneliness, or so our technology has inferred. Also compatible with seclusive features, although primarily in the males, are Ifrit and the Brothers, but they will be discussed in later-" The bell rang.

And just as the bell rang, two panels in the ceiling opened up, dropping mud all over Quistis. For what seemed like an eternity, everyone was silent until all the mud stop sliding down her hair. Quietly, she said, "Class... is dismissed. Don't forget to study... for the quiz on Friday."

The students slowly filed out of the room. No one said anything.

Revenge The End- A Nasty Fall

At the 2F hallway

"Selphie, what are you doing this time?"

"Xu, Squall! How nice to see you! You're just in time to see..." She laughed maniacally. "The end of my favorite play!"

"Which is?"

"Quistis Dies! Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"I, uh, I've never heard of that one."

Squall put his arm around Selphie's shoulders. "Listen, Xu told me all about what you're doing to Quistis."

"Then she shall simply die a horrible death and burn in the depths of Hell."

"Okay... listen. There's an old saying. Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Xu raised her eyebrow. "Really? I thought that was calimari."

"Yeah, that too. And ice cream. Well, that's an obvious one."

"Shrimp scampi."

"Yeah, that too."

"I love shrimp scampi."

"Ahem! Hello!"

"Oh, sorry Selphie. So, why are you seeking so much revenge on Quistis?"

"She took my Mr. Perfect."

"Um?"

"Jake."

"Oh yeah, him. Since when did you ever notice him?"

"Since I got attacked by the Card Club Jack's acne."

Squall exchanged odd looks with Xu. "Listen... are you sure you're not just... lonely?"

"I... I don't know, Squall. I was so happy before this stupid dance. But then, stuff happened and I... there's something missing, and I can't... I just can't..."

"Aww... Selphie, what about Zell and Irvine?"

Xu was taken aback by the look that Squall gave her as she said this, which made her think she shouldn't have. "You know... forget Jake. Forget all this! I... I just have to... I have to talk to them. Where are they?" She trotted away towards the elevator as Quistis left it. "Oh, hi Quistis!" she said jovially.

"Hi Selphie."

She beamed. "Oh, by the, way, walk on the edge of the walkway."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Um, okay." So then they both left.

Squall shook his head. "Beautiful and crazy. Selphie is a psycho. She's Selphie the psycho. That psycho Selphie. Psychotic. Irvine, what's up?"

"Not much Squall, just going to down to the cafeteria to get a snack."

"Okay, Selphie just went downstairs, she's looking for you."

"Okay." Irvine was innocently walking across the walkway when suddenly the floor gave through, and Irvine plummeted to the floor below.

5 minutes laters, a crowd had formed in the infirmary as Dr. Kadowaki examined Irvine. "Hmm... from what I can tell, I'd say that... Irvine Kinneas is dead."

There was an all-around gasp.

"I'm just kidding. That was fun, you should've seen your guys' faces! Haha well now all of you get out of here! You, Squall, I'll call you up when he's awake."

"Okay. Thanks, doctor. Come on guys... let's go."

And that's it for now. New chap coming soon.

Chapter 6- Depression

"So how is he, doctor?"

"He took what would've been substantial head trauma."

"Would've been?"

"Uh, normally his brain would've been severely damaged but we found very little traces of any brain tissue at all."

"...doesn't surprise me."

"Mr. Kinneas will be all right."

"So he's okay?"

"Not exactly... the left side of his body is now completely paralyzed. He will now literally be 'all right'.


	6. Selphie

Hey everyone! I just posted another FF8 story. It's a 1 chap story called **Squall's Remedy**, but it's pretty long, like 7500 some words. You could say it's "serious", there's very little humor in it. Check it out sometime if you're interested. Also, although this was originally supposed to be entitled Depression, I decided to change some things. Now this chapter is called Selphie, because it shows the next day in Selphie's point of view. The next chapter will show it in Zell's. So anyway, enjoy!

Chapter 6: Selphie

Squall looked at himself in the mirror. "You... are the best. Yeah, the best of the best. You make the best look like the worst. You-" The phone rang. "Commander Leonhart."

"Squall, it's Dr. Kadowaki. Irvine's awake now if you want to talk to him."

"Okay, thanks." He hung up. As Squall called all his team to tell them of Irvine, he pondered to himself, why she felt that she had to tell him about Irvine's condition, because out of the five, he was the one who least gave a damn.

(at the Infirmary)

"So how is he, doctor?"

"He took what would've been substantial head trauma."

"Would've been?"

"Uh, normally his brain would've been severely damaged but we found very little traces of any brain tissue at all."

"...doesn't surprise me."

"Mr. Kinneas will be all right."

"So he's okay?"

"Not exactly... the left side of his body is now completely paralyzed. He will now literally be 'all right'."

"That's not very good news..."

"Haha! You're so funny! Funny, funny, funny! You guys are so gullible!" She fell on the floor, clutching her stomach. "Ahahaha... ahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAH!" She got up, brushing herself off. In a professional manner, she said quietly, "Mr. Kinneas is in very stable condition."

"Anyway, I'm just glad he's up!" Selphie said, bending down and gave him a tight hug.

Irvine felt light-headed. "How come I don't have any bandages?"

"You do," Doctor Kadowaki said. "Covering your cranium."

Irvine touched his scalp and felt a tinge of stinging pain. "Ow!"

Zell cleared his throat. "Irvine, I was thinking, I guess you and Selphie should... spend some time together, before she decides who she wants to..." He didn't finish the sentence, because some people in the room were too dumb to even realize that this story has been going on and that this love triangle has even existed.

Yes, Quistis, I'm talking about you!

"Really?" Selphie said. She beamed. "You're willing to do that?"

"I just want you to be happy."

"Oh, thank you so much, Zell. I won't forget this."

Oh yeah, he thought to himself. Bonus points.

"But the dance is tomorrow," Irvine said.

"Who cares about that silly little dance?" Zell snapped. "We're talking about the long run."

There was a moments' silence. Selphie's mind was racing with suspicion. Why is he doing this? Is he really giving Irvine a fair chance or is he up to something else?

"Well, it's about lunchtime," Squall said. "Let's go. It's pizza day."

"I'll bring you something, Irvy!" Selphie said.

Selphie followed her squad to the cafeteria. She decided to eat lunch with Squall, Rinoa, and Quistis because of what had happened to Irvine. When she got to the counter, she looked over the menu. "How about hot-dogs?" The cafeteria lady shook her head. "Zell had breakfast today."

"Oh, then you're out. I'll have a Ceasar salad and a cheeseburger, then."

Rinoa was next. "Um, I'll have a cheeseburger too."

They sat down at a table and dug in their food. After dessert, when they were discussing Angelo and her flea problems, Zell came in to the cafteria.

"Zell, where've you been?" Squall said.

"Oh, just practicing some math from DCU."

That's Deling City University in case you didn't know. I made it up. I own it.

Holy crap... I own it! I own something! I own something! (prances around the room) Touch and I'll tazer you! (letter drops into his lap) Oh... apparently someone's already come up with the idea of Deling City University. Pfft... whatever... what? Oh, the story... sorry.

"I'm surprised you're even taking college courses, Zell," Rinoa said, her voice muffled by a cheeseburger. She gasped and dropped her food. Choking madly and flailing around, she made gestures that she was choking on the cheeseburger. Nobody noticed.

"What's wrong with you, Rinoa?" Squall said quizzically. He had no reply except for her choking sputters and her gasping breath. "Fine, be that way," Squall said in irritation.

"Hey, can you get something for Irvine if you're leaving after lunch?" Selphie said. "He should eat something besides that Infirmary banana bread that tastes like paper."

Rinoa's face was now a shade of emerald-green. She took in all the breath she could, then Heimliched herself so hard that not only did the cheeseburger come up but also so did breakfast and the remainders of last night's dinner. She stood up and slapped Squall. "What the hell is your problem?" She turned to the rest. "Are you too stupid to realize that I was choking on my food and you people were just all la-de-da?"

She ran away to get her pinwheel. There was a moment's pause as Squall rubbed the reddening hand mark on his face.

"She's not coming back," Quistis said quietly.

"I'd bet my 2-sided club on it, ya know?" Raijin said.

"2-sided club?" Squall asked. "Is that the giant Q-tip you use in battle?"

"Don't push it, Squall."

"I'll get Irvine something to eat," Zell volunteered. "I've gotta do some more homework anyway."

After lunch, Selphie went back to her room to read her book, Saving the World For Dummies. There was a knock at the door. Quistis entered. "We already saved the world. Why are you reading that?"

"I don't know. For fun. But it sucks."

"Oh, it does?" Quistis seemed somewhat offended for some reason, but she shrugged it off. "Do you want to go on a walk with me?"

"Why?"

"As friends, Selph. You mind if I call you Selph?"

"Yes, it's very creepy."

They took a walk around the central room. Quistis started talking. "You know, I've noticed that you've been digging on Zell lately."

"Well, kinda. Why?"

"I know it's none of my business, but here's my advice on men: Don't bother."

Selphie was about to ask why when she figured it out. She was still sad about Squall and Rinoa. "I know you're sad because Squall loves Rinoa, but that was because he didn't love you as much as you loved him. Zell, he's kinda crazy about me."

Quistis nodded. "You're right. But I'm just saying that men are unpredictable. Love is like a **fated circle**; your lover may just continue on to the next girl."

"Hmm... really?"

"Yes, I know, but I'm just saying, at any moment Zell may dump you, divorce you, maybe even hurt you at times. What if you can't talk to him because you were too hurt? And because you'd hurt him? And then you'll be divided, ironically, by your own love. It's a **love divide**."

"That's not necessarily true!"

"But it's dangerous, you know? You could get hurt any time. Like a... like a..."

"**Blasting zone**?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Besides, I have a great relationship with both Zell and Irvine... if anything happens, it can be fixed by a simple **full cure**."

"But if they dump you, it'll hit you like a full blown **shockwave phaser**!"

"Then we'll just sit down and talk and **rapture** our problem."

"But what if it's **the end**?"

"Then we'll, uh... Angelo strike?"

"Huh?"

"I couldn't remember any more Limit Breaks."

"I didn't know we were using Limit Breaks as metaphors."

There was a moment of silence, where they heard Xu stomping off towards the dorms with a paper in her hand, muttering to herself things like, "Why's he dragging us into this?" or "15 gil? Having to do something this heartless is worth at least 15 million gil!"

Later that night, Selphie went back to her room and watched TV until Zell came in and said that Irvine got his lunch and that he was fast asleep. When Selphie visited, she found he was right. She shook him carefully. "Wake up, Irvy."

"What time is it?" he asked, bleary-eyed.

"Around 8:45."

"What!"

"Zell said you fell asleep right after lunch."

"Oh-I must have."

"Anyway, I was thinking we could take a walk outside," she said.

"With this thing on my head?"

"I can take it off," said Doctor Kadowaki, experimenting with mixtures of remedies and X-potions in the back. "Just hold on a sec."

The two green and purple substances, after mixing together, turned an orange-red. Kadowaki poured the red substance into a flagon, sealed it, and put in a cabinet. She turned around. "Instant Elixer."

She began taking off the long bandage wound around his head. "This may hurt." She chuckled. "Why am I saying 'may'?"

Selphie looked at the big, purple blotch on his head. "Ooh." She lifted her hand.

"Don't touch it!" Irvine yelled. "You can put it back on, but give me my hat, at least."

Outside, they took a walk in the plains the Garden was parked on. They just talked about things like school and stuff, but Irvine suddenly said, "I want to do it with you."

Selphie turned around.

"Hey! That wasn't me talking! I swear! Something's wrong with my mouth!"

Selphie smiled a bit. Then she giggled. "Irvine, I didn't know you felt that way about me."

"I wanna hump you all night long. I didn't say that! Really!"

"Ths is like coming out of nowhere... I like it."

"Huh?"

She wrapped her arms around his body and pressed her lips onto his. They heard somebody yelling in the distance about money and a quarter wane moon which, incidentally, was the kind of moon in the night sky, but they ignored it.

Later that night, she heard someone at her dorm room. She opened it. "Oh, Zell. Hi."

"Hi..." He looked sort of disheartened. "I'm not... interrupting anything, am I?"

"Like what?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, well would you like to-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Silence.

"So you wouldn't like to come in."

"No. I'm mean, no, I don't not want to come in. Yes, I would like to."

"Okay." She opened the door, gesturing him to come in.

"Sorry if it's kind of messy..."

"That's okay, my room's messy too. I don't even remember if I have a carpet or not."

"So, um, what brings you by here?"

"Well, Selphie, I know you're probably tired of Irvine and me bothering you, but I know that you're going to pick which one of us you really do love. And I just want to know that, if you pick Irvine, there's... there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. If that's what you want... I just want you to be happy."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean I know how you two have had a crush on each other since we were like, 2 years old, and... look, I just want to apologize for all the bad things I've done and if you would forgive me, that'd be enough for me to be satisfied. Well, it's getting late. I gotta go.

The next day

Selphie now knew it was time. She had done a lot of thinking, and knew he it was that she loved. She phoned Zell and Irvine. "You guys... I love you both very much, but I can only be serious with one of you. So, I pick..."

Oops, well, look's like time's up. Review please :)


	7. Decision

This is the last chapter. Ever. I'm serious. Don't come back, this is the end. The very end. I didn't get too many reviews but I got a ton of hits, last time I checked I think I had 200-some. So, thanks for reading everyone. :) Enjoy!

Chapter 7: A Title Longer than One Word

Check that out... yeah... I'm a reble! Whoo! Anyway what you see is the same day, except instead of Selphie's point of view, it's Zell's.

In the Infirmary

Bla bla bla Irvine has no brain. Bla bla bla Zell's acting uncharacteristically nice.

Bla bla bla Selphie bla bla bla Zell bla bla bla Irvine.

"Well, it's almost lunchtime. It's almost pizza day." After Rinoa, Selphie, and Quistis left, Squall asked, "You coming, Zell?"

"Nah... got some stuff to do."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Just school stuff."

Trailing behind the squad, he sat down in a bench next to a girl with heavy mascara and pretended to do some homework for Deling City University's online service. But he wasn't. He was writing a letter.

When he got done he headed down towards the Directory. Secretly, he slipped the letter into Xu's hand. Their eyes met for a brief moment. Zell thought intently, this is for 15 gil. He'd spoken to her earlier. Reluctant, she agreed to help, remembering an instance in which Irvine shoved her down a flight of stairs once, To his relief, she winked, and headed towards the cockpit to tell Nida.

He pretended to study the Directory by the front gate, waited a few minutes, then turned back around to the cafeteria.

"Like I was saying, that mutt is practically shedding flees on me," Quistis complained. "I can't work with that thing."

"My dog is not a mutt or a thing," Rinoa said defensively. "She's cleaner than you, at least."

"Zell, where have you been?" Squall said.

Bla bla bla choking bla bla bla pinwheel bla bla bla Q-tip.

"I'll get Irvine something to eat," Zell volunteered. "I've gotta do some more homework after lunch anyway."

After Zell ordered Irvine some chicken strips, he secretly poured an excessive amount of salt into the BBQ sauce, mixing it in so that it couldn't be seen. Then he ate lunch with the squad, and returned to the Infirmary to give Irvine the food, after buying some Sominex from Kadowaki's "pharmacy" and putting some into the drink.

"Lunch," Zell announced as he came in.

"You didn't poison it, did you?" Irvine said as he hesitantly grabbed the box.

Like I would tell you if I did, Zell thought with a smile. "No way, dude. It's clean. Just eat."

Irvine took a bite. "This is pretty good," he said. "A bit salty, though. Can I have a soda?"

Zell eagerly handed him the drink. He took a nice, long sip.

"Fizzy," Irvine said sleepily. He yawned. "I'm getting kinda tired."

"But it's only noon."

"I know. I- I'm so sleepy, I-" he began snoring almost instantly. Zell grabbed a nearby counter to keep the force of the snores from driving him backwards. Dr. Kadowaki came in, in a panic. "It's an earthquake! I want my patients! I want my insurance! I want my mommy!"

"It's all right, Doctor, Irvine's just asleep again."

She said quietly, "Oh. This is... so embarrassing." She walked away.

Zell took the microchip-like device out of his pocket and began his work, hoping Dr. Kadowaki wouldn't come in to find him putting the microchip-like device behind Irvine's teeth. Alright, Nida taught him how to do this. It would be a piece of cake. Right?

30 minutes later, in victory, he headed down towards Selphie's dorm to tell her the "good news". On his way he bumped into Quistis. "Hey," he said, looking at her hand to the book in it, Saving the World For Dummies.

"What's that?"

"I haven't told anyone, because I wanted it to be a surprise until it was on the market, but since I've seen that it was in stock at the store, I might as well tell you already. I wrote this book for some extra money."

(btw there is a store at the Quad. I made it up as well, don't go looking for it)

Zell looked at her in amazement. "I didn't know you could write."

"Yeah, well, you'd be surprised," she said. "Where are you heading?" she asked in curiosity.

"I was heading to Selphie's room."

"Me too."

"Can I go first?"

"Let me go first."

Quistis sighed. "Fine."

(at the secret spot in the Training Center)

"You know what?" Xu said, putting down the headphones, "I should just go tell Cid that you're doing this." She was beginning to feel guilty again.

"Please, Xu," Zell begged. "Do it for your friend."

"You're not my friend," she said stubbornly.

"Then do it for Quistis."

"Quistis would want me to throw you over the side."

"Let's not get feisty, now."

Nida stepped between them. "Come on, people. Let's get this show on the road already. Anyway, where's my money?"

"How can you accept money for something this dastardly?"

"Look, Xu, we both agree that Irvine is a moron, right?" Zell said in an attempt to calm her down.

"Yes."

"And that I'm competent and intelligent?"

There was silence.

"Well, at least more so than Irvine?"

"Yes."

"Well, something could alter her decision and make her choose the wrong guy, right?"

"Right. But won't she hate him?"

"I'll tell her what happened."

Xu examined it from all sides. Either Zell or Irvine would get burned here, and if she was lucky, both. "Fine." She put on her headphones and tuned the machine. She set the mini-satellite on the stone banister as Zell and Nida put their headphones on. The signal was tuned into the microchip in Irvine's mouth. They heard conversation.

"This may hurt." A chuckle. "Why am I saying 'may'?"

A couple more seconds.

"Ooh."

"Don't touch it! You can put it back on, but give me my hat."

After listening to some more conversation, they saw the two heading out the front doors. They watched intently.

"Nida," Xu whispered. "I'll patch you on. Get ready."

"Now you'll see the master lip sinc-er at work."

With a push of a button, Xu told the computer to put whatever Nita said through the microchip and to shock Irvine's jaws and mouth in accordance to sound waves with short, undetectable sparks of electricity to make his mouth move just right and make it look like he was talking.

Nida cleared his throat and grabbed the microphone. "I want to do it with you," he said through the microphone. Zell giggled silently at how close his voice was to Irvine's. In his fit of mime-like laughter he knocked over the satellite dish into the trees below.

Xu mouthed cuss words at him and slapped him. From now, they had to just go by instinct. Nita gave a worried look, then said, "I want to hump you all night long."

But to Zell's horror, he saw Selphie throw herself at him. "NO!" He felt the headphones get pulled off his head. He turned around to see Nita and Xu fleeing. "HEY! COME BACK! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"

"You owe me that for the satellite dish plus 500 more Gil."

"500?"

As he ran after them, he noticed the sky and remember what the Trepie had said. "DAMMIT IT'S A QUARTER WANE MOON! WHY COULDN'T IT BE CAT FUR!"

Zell gave chase through the Infirmary. They were stopped dead by a T-Rexaur near the entrance. "Ha! I caught you now!"

"Zell, help us!"

"Nuh-uh, no way."

"Zell, we're serious."

"Tch. Fine." Zell banged his fists together, jumped on Nida's head, and propelled himself up to the T-Rexaur's face, uppercutting it, and landing on its head. It thrashed wildly as he attached itself to the top of its head, blowing hits to its cranium until it fell. "And that, my friends, is how you take down a T-Rexaur with style." He said that final word with a strange inflection.

"Uh, thanks. Now we gotta go!"

"Not so fast!" Zell grabbed Nida and Xu's sleeves as they tried to run by him.

"Fine, you don't have to pay for it. I'll pay for it myself. But, Zell, this really is wrong, you know?"

"...no."

"I mean, if you love Selphie, and she loves you back, you shouldn't have to do all these things. If she really did love you, then you wouldn't have to try to mess with her and make Irvine look evil."

Xu gave Nida a look, begging him to say something.

"Y-yeah, she's right, you know," he stuttered finally. "You know, all three of you, you guys used to be all buddy-buddy. Now you guys are at each others' throats. Do what you will, but at least tell Selphie the truth. Don't you think she deserves to know?"

Zell sighed. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"I won't make you pay the 500, Zell. Just take Nida's advice."

"Okay... thanks, Xu."

Zell had summed up the courage to talk to Selphie. He knocked on her door. "Oh, Zell. Hi."

"Hi..." He wasn't sure if Irvine was in there. Was he? "I'm not... interrupting anything, am I?"

"Like what?"

Like you and Irvine getting your freak on, that's what! "Nothing."

"Oh, well would you like to-"

Then he saw him, Irvine sitting on the bed in a towel.

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Then you wouldn't like to come in?"

Zell blinked, staring at the spot. Was it just an illusion? It must've been.

(the next day)

Selphie now knew it was time. She had done a lot of thinking, and knew he it was that she loved. She phoned Zell and Irvine. "You guys... I love you both very much, but I can only be serious with one of you. So, I pick... Zell. Zell is the one who I love the most.

Everyone was silent. "Irvine, this doesn't change anything," she said reassuringly. "Things can be like they were before all this happened. Right?"

"But I wanted to be more than friends."

"I know. But, sometimes this how life is. Life will go on, and we can still be friends, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're right," he said half-heartedly. "I, uh, I'm gonna go now."

He sat in depression in a lonely corner of cafeteria. And he sat there, staring out the window, cuddling his teddy bear. An hour later, when he was done crying like a baby, he saw Seifer on the live TV news. He was in an orange jumpsuit and he was smiling, something you don't see every day, even though three guards were holding on to him tightly as if he would vault away.

"I know you probably won't believe me since I tried to kill an MP when I last said this," Seifer said, "But I'm really sorry. I-I guess I just kinda fell for Ultimecia's promises. And because I wanted to prove myself against Squall. Squall, if you're watching this-I'm-I'm-" He summoned up more courage than it did to leave B-Garden, to hurt Rinoa, and to follow Matron into that indefiant nothingness-and said it.

"I'm so... I'm sorr BLEGH... I'm s..s... or, ree. SORRY!"

"You better damn well be!" Squall yelled triumphantly from somewhere in the Garden.

"Now it's my turn," Zell said as he smiled from Selphie's room.

"And Zell... you are SUCH a chickenwuss! I am NOT sorry for anything I've said to you at all."

"Damn you Seifer!"

"Hey!" Selphie shouted at Zell. "Language, mister!"

"DARN YOU SEIFER! DARN YOU ALL THE WAY TO HECK!"

"And now that my five year sentence is up today, I just want to say that I'm giving up my attempts to be a SeeD. I always thought it'd be cool to be a comic book salesman. Like Rocko. Wouldn't that be cool? I'll live next-door to a stuck-up frog and make friends with a cow raised by wolves. And I want to give my Hyperion to my good friend- Fujin."

"Do you people really believe that that's live?" Seifer said as he triumphantly entered the cafeteria. "That happened early this morning."

Some people clapped and cheered. Some people hissed. Nevertheless, Seifer sat down with Irvine.

"What's up, dude?" he greeted.

"What are you doing here," he said quietly and miserably.

"I'm up. Finished. I want to be kind and caring. Not that power hungry ass you knew. I'm no longer Seifer Almasy. I'm now Seifer _Almasy_." He waved his arm in a rainbow-like way as he said _Almasy_.

"Well, I don't care. The whole world could blow up and I wouldn't do a damn thing."

"Geez, what's your problem?" Seifer asked.

"She fell in love with Zell."

"Who? Quistis?"

"What?" He gave him an odd look. "I don't love Quistis. I hardly even like her. I love... I don't know much anymore."

Quistis walked over with three peanut butter sandwiches and some soda and sat down.

"I heard the news," Quistis said. "The news about Seifer and the news about Selphie."

They talked for a little while. In about half an hour, Seifer left to go talk to his friends. Quistis and Irvine, however, kept talking. They were so interested in the conversation that it was 10 o' clock before they went to bed.

Irvine called after her as she left. "Hey, Quistis!"

"Yes?"

"Um, do you wanna get together sometime?"

She looked at him oddly. "I guess so. What would it hurt?"

Quistis kept telling herself not to fall in love again after what happened with Squall, but there was something about Irvine that was special.

And so life went on.

Epilogue

-Later that month, Zell and Selphie set the date for their wedding. They were both very happy, until Zell got a subpoena from Xu for 500 Gil in small claims court.

"XUUUU! YOU SAID I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY! I'M GONNA FIND YOU! YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE MRS. GIMME SUMMONEY!"

-Irvine and Quistis did go out with each other for a month or so, but decided to break it up because the know-it-all thing was really getting on Irvine's nerves, especially when she was talking to her friends.

"And I thought, that's totally a violation of rule 51-A-45 paragraph 7-G."

"Haha, yeah, you know, Trisha was telling me the other day about how the gymnasium dress codes are more consistent than the meat byproduct limits."

"Yeah, they're about as consistent as the 16-C-23 set."

-Rinoa and Squall also set a date for marriage, and got into several more fights, but got used to it, and got over them rather quickly, so no one really cared.

"You know, I've never met anyone who eats their peas and more annoyingly than you!"

"Oh, you think I eat my peas weird? How about when you get ready in the morning, Mr. Perfect? What's the deal with brushing your teeth before you put on your deodorant? What kind of sicko does that?"

"Let's do it."

"Right behind you."

-Seifer didn't like living at Garden, so he moved to a small town in Galbadia called Hiphopomotamus (the founder was a hippo-lover who wasn't a good speller) and founded a comic book shop there. It was really all rather boring."

-As for Nida, Xu, Dr. Kadowaki, and all the other characters, who cares? All they did was bore the crap out of me anyway.

So that's the end. The very end! I'm also working on a sequel, called the Raijin vs. Seifer Show. Look for it and plz review:)


	8. Wedding

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Square Enix staff (and it would be kind of wrong if I did) and _baka_ is one of very few Japanese words that I know, my friend in 7th grade taught it to me. I did buy this "teach yourself Japanese" book but it's way too vague and confusing, and I think I'll just take a class or something.

OK well I wasn't sure if I'd get 10 reviews, but I did, and if I got that then I'd write this extra chapter. :) A few years ago when I used to write a bunch of comedy for the FF's I got a bunch of reviews, like 3 per chapter, so it was more like 15 for extra chapters and I wrote a total of three for one story once. But, that's all stuff I did in the 7th/8th grade. The old days... ahh... since then I moved 9 miles down the highway and made friends with a bunch of idiots at my new school. Anyway, I hope you like it!

Chapter 8- Wedding

"So, what are you here for, Squall?" Dr. Kadowaki asked.

"Just a checkup. Is there something new about this place?"

"I got a new chair. It moves by remote control. Here, get on." She motioned for him to sit on the chair. "Okay, let's see how this works." The chair turned. "Oh wow, that's cool!" It turned again. "OK, doctor, that's enough, I'd like to have my checkup now." The chair raised, then lowered, turning again. "Hey, will you just stop that now?"

"The remote is broken!"

"What?" The chair went berserk, changing height and rotating. Eventually, the chair turned, throwing Squall out of it. "Oh, thank God that's over... no!" The chair fell on top of Squall, beating him senseless. "Doctor! The chair's killing me!"

Kadowaki ran over and pulled the plug out of the wall. "OK, let's try this one more time."

"Is it okay this time?"

"Yes, Squall, I turned off the electricity. Just have a seat."

Squall eased into the chair. "Well, now that that's over, I just want to what the hell!" The chair went berserk again, atttacking Squall.

* * *

In the cafeteria, Squall met Rinoa at lunch. "Wow, Squall, what's wrong with you? You look horrible."

"I was attacked by a dentistry chair."

"O...K... anyway, here." She handed him a card. "This is our invitation to Zell and Selphie's wedding."

He studied the card. "The 26th... that's ten days away."

"Who would know, Selphie and Zell getting married before us..."

"What?"

"Well, you'd know from the beginning we're perfect together."

"What gives you that idea?"

"Well, duh! We're both on the cover of the game."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know... but whatever it means, it's true. You know, just like Cloud and Tifa, or Tidus and Yuna... what?"

Squall had been staring at Rinoa. "Who are all these people? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't know, it's like someone's willing me to say it... hey, you!" Rinoa spotted a Japanese man behind a counter. He tried to run, but she and Squall chased him down and caught him. "Who are you?"

"I... am Yoshinori Kitase."

"No you're not!" Another Japanese man bounded from the hallway. "I'm Yoshinori! You're Hironobu Sakaguchi, you cheapskate! Why do you always have to be such a bully...?"

"Because you're fun to mess with. Get him now!"

"Huh?"

Another Japanese man, this one holding a trumpet in one hand, ran in from behind and shot Kitase with a rubberband.

"Nobuo Uematsu! I'm going to tell your mom! You guys don't even work for Square anymore!"

"Oh..."

"Yoshi, you're such a baka no shinbun!"

"Why did you just call me a stupid newspaper?"

The three men walked away, arguing with each other.

"The hell was that all about?"

"I don't know. Hey, you wanna go make out?"

"OK."

* * *

"I just can't believe my friend from Trabia is flying all the way out to be my bridesmaid! How cool is that?"

"What was her name again?"

"Selphie's Friend."

"Well, that's what the text bbox said." Zell stared up at the grey box above his head that said 'Zell' at the top. "Hey, you spelled 'box' wrong."

"Oh, sorry," said a mighty voice from nowhere. The second B was erased. "You know I had a dream that we lived in a world where there were no grey boxes above peoples' heads."

"Then how would you know what people are saying?"

"Well, these weird noises came from peoples' mouths. I think it was called... a voice."

"A voice? You have some crazy dreams, Zell. Anyway, who's gonna be your best man? Your dad? One of your friends?"

"Actually, I was thinking... it'd be cool to have a monkey give me the ring."

"A monkey?"

"Yeah. Wouldn't that be cool?"

"How about... someone else? That guy Rich from Balamb is, like, your best friend, right?"

"Yeah, but I would really like a monkey."

"I don't really want a monkey at our wedding."

"Do you have something against monkeys? Pfft, fine... a GF then! Ifrit! You should have Shiva."

"You mean Siren?"

"Is that the one you like? Well, okay, no monkey. But Ifrit, please?"

"...okay, fine."

"YES! I love you babe!" Zell passionately kissed Selphie and ran out of the room, eager to make sure everything would be ready in time for the wedding.

* * *

"So, what kind of things do you like to do?" Irvine was bored out of his mind.

"I like to read," Xu answered.

"Great," Irvine said, forcing a smile. Why did his friends and squad keep hooking him up with people? He didn't even like Xu. "Do you do any sports?"

"I do chess. Back when I was crazy I used to play shuffleboard. Ah... but, that was a long time ago. I've grown up since then."

"Right... you know what, I remember something I have to... do... so if you don't mind I think I'll go now."

"Okay. Bye, then."

"See you." As Irvine walked down the central path, he saw the Headmaster and that Trepie, Glenn Quagmire.

"I said OUT!"

"But, but, you see, I-"

"ENOUGH! You're not even a real student! How many girls have you impregnated since you got here, fourteen?"

"Yeah, it's been a slow week... you know, only twelve of those fourteen were actually girls."

"GET OUT!"

"Giggety giggety!" The Trepie ran out the front gate in fear."

"Aren't we moving?"

Soon after the Trepie left, they heard a fading scream as the Trepie fell below. "GIGGETY GIGGETY Giggety Giggety giggety giggety..."

"That was weird..."

* * *

At the wedding

* * *

"So, how exactly did all the GF's get here?" Cid asked his wife Edea. "I just pulled some strings, being a sorceress and everything." She smiled and waved at Shiva, who waved back.

"We are gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony..." The pastor continued.

Zell whispered to Ifrit, "I just wanted to thank you for coming on such short notice."

"Oh, don't worry about it, it's the least I can do."

"Be careful there, make sure you don't catch that cloth on fire."

"Oh, sorry."

"If anyone objects to these two being married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Everyone turned to Irvine. "...what? I'm not gonna say anything? Stop staring at me! Hello people, they're getting married!"

"I do."

"In that case, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." Everyone cheered as Zell and Selphie locked lips. They had finally married.

Quistis saw Quezacotl arguing with an old man nearby. "Hey, hey, what's the problem here?"

"Quistis, this clown says he's better at casting thunder than me."

"You ungrateful bird, I can beat you any day!" the old man shouted. Quistis recognized him as Ramuh the thunder god.

"Let's go, right now!"

"Hey, you two, this is a wedding reception, okay? Besides, Ramuh's obviously better." She walked away.

"Oh come on, you're just being biased because he's human. Well guess what, Quistis, he's not! He just looks like it but he's not! Yeah, you better run!"

Leviathan was chatting with Bahamut. "You know, something tells me we shouldn't be here. I'm getting some sort of weird feeling."

"Yeah, I'm getting it too. Don't worry about it, it'll go away."

* * *

Meanwhile

* * *

"Cloud, just summon Bahamut and then Sephiroth will be dead!"

"I can't! He's just not coming! Bahamut, come on! Please!"

Sephiroth advanced on Cloud slowly. "Bahamut! Bahamut! BAHAMUT! I want my mommy..."

* * *

Irvine approached Zell and Selphie. "Hey, I just want you guys to know, I'm happy for both of you. I really am."

"Aww, thanks man! That means alot."

"Yeah, and I'm sure you'll find someone someday."

Irvine smoothed his tuxedo. In a cool-guy type of way, he said, "I am a loner. I don't need anyone. I do things my own way. Ooh, check out that hottie! Who is she?" Irvine left to go talk to her.

A new song started to play. "Well, Selphie, would you like to dance?"

"Hmm... I got nothing better to do, why not?"

Zell noticed something. "Hey, you! Yes, you, on the computer, I'm talking to you! The story's over, why are you still reading? Get outta here!"

And THAT is the final finalest chapter. Hope you enjoyed, and remember to look for the sequel, The Year of the Fujin.

Also by Desertman-

-fanfiction. net

The Iris- Final Fantasy 7- Action/Adventure

-fictionpress. net

French Grammar for Dummies- Essay

The Central Continent- Action/Adventure/Fantasy

Y'all come back now, ya hear:) _sucks on wheat stalk_


	9. Showoff

**Disclaimer:** I own spy TV. What, you don't see the 'don't' in there? Just look harder... it's right in there between the I and the O. Oh my God can you honestly not see that? No... no! Stay away! (runs away from approaching lawyers) Don't sue me I'm poor!

How many bonus chapters will there be? Who knows? But I swear this is the LAST FINAL CHAPTER! There are no more final chapters after this, okay? I promise!

Anyway, this one is for getting 400 hits which is far beyond the total number of hits that I thought I'd get. I thought, I should thank the readers for reading my story so much. But how? I've had all the ideas sucked out of me. But then it hit me. In the production of this story, the original chapter 3 was deleted, and thus, like my mind, has been lost for some time now.

I was too lazy to rewrite it and decided that it wasn't important, too the nagging of my beta reader. (screws up face to imitate his beta reader) You really shouldn't skip a chapter, you know that. All she does is complain... pfft... it had no plot in it and was just there for shits and giggles. But, I decided to rewrite it to say thanks for all the support. So, without further ado, here is the lost chapter.

The Lost Chapter- Showoff

Note: This takes place after Squall and Rinoa got back together after the fight, but before they went to Balamb to pick up the Headmaster's crullers.

Selphie frowned. "Well, I guess I should be happy for you... but who am I to go to the dance with now?"

Rinoa shrugged. "I don't know. I don't care. Come on Squall, let's go make out." They ran away giggling.

Selphie entered the cafeteria to an unusually large and excited crowd in the caferia. She immediately knew, it had to be Zell. Sure enough, as she pushed her way through, Zell and Nida sat at a table, chowing down hot dogs. A boy stood at the table, counting. "And Nida is up two hot dogs! Will the legendary champion Zell be finally beaten out?"

"I don't think so!" Zell doubled his speed time, chowing down two hotdogs at a time.

"Oh, but Zell is catching up! He is now on his fourteenth hot dog! Uh oh, is Nida out?" Nida clutched his stomach, then fell out of the chair. "AND ZELL DINCHT IS THE WINNER! I'M TELLING YOU PEOPLE, NO ONE CAN OUT EAT THIS GUY! HE'S GOT A STOMACH LIKE A WHALE!"

Quistis spoke up. "The Garden is moving."

"Yeah, and?"

"Who's piloting?"

Nida's face turned white for an instant. "Uh... don't worry, we're over the middle of the ocean, we can't hit anything except for that weird research lab thingy, and we're nowhere near-"

BOOM! The Garden shook violently. They looked out the window to see Ultima Weapon drowning. "That's weird... anyway..."

"And like I was saying! Zell is the winner! Now get the hell out of here!" the boy shouted. Zell took a bow as the crowd cheered and eventually dispersed. Zell emitted a massive belch as Rinoa approached him. "Hey, Rinoa. Wassup?"

"Zell, I'm a little short on money, and I was wondering if you could help me out."

"I don't have any money."

"I know, I'm not asking for a loan. Here's the thing: what if you and Irvine body did a body surfing race off the Garden? There would be bets and everyone would place their bets on you. Then if I place my bets on Irvine, and you fake a loss, then I can get all the money I need and then some! I'll give you some too."

"Why Irvine?"

"Cuz it'd be more interesting. It's like you're fighting over Selphie."

"How do you know about that?"

"Everyone does, you silly little boy. Please?"

"Fine..."

"Yes!" She hugged him tightly. "I owe you one." Rinoa went over to go talk to Nida. And before Zell knew what had happened, there was a crowd on the 2F observation deck. The boy who judged the hotdog contest was taking bets. Rinoa ran over to him with a wad of cash. "All my money on Irvine! Boo Zell! You suck!" She began throwing tomatoes at Zell. "Rinoa, will you cut that out!"

"Oh, sorry." She smiled innocently. Just as she planned, everyone bet on Zell, rather than Irvine. Nida stepped up to the balcony. "Quiet everyone! Quiet! We have to get this overwith before Cid comes and find... Headmaster!"

"Oh just shut your mouth and get this party started!" Cid shouted, guzzling down a bottle of booze.

"Awright, the rules are simple. Zell and Irvine will both jump down the side of the Garden, sliding down to the bottom. The first one who hits the water wins. The harbor at the bottom of the Garden is open, you can get up through there. Now. On your marks! Get set!"

Tension was raised. People clenched their fists.

And kept them clenched.

For awhile.

"Ghost! Uh! Didn't say go. Gambler! Gunther! Glazed!"

"OH JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" Cid through his empty booze bottle at Nida, hitting him square in the head and causing him to fall backwards. "Go!" he shouted as he fell backwards onto the wall. Zell and Irvine both leaped down, landing on their feet and sliding down the side.

"Whoa!" Zell lost his footing, and fell on his butt, continuing to slide downwards while spinning in slow circles. He caught up to the distressed Nida, sliding on his back. "Hey Nida."

"Sup Zell."

"What's going on?"

"Not much."

"Hey, you mind if I use you to propel myself?"

"Oh, no, go ahead."

"Thanks." Zell kicked Nida, propelling himself up ahead of Irvine. "Hey, cowboy," he mocked. "What's happening?"

"Zell, you're shoe's untied!"

"Eh?" Zell examined his shoe, losing his concentration and falling onto his stomach, rolling down with a nasty thud every time he hit the surface.

"I can't believe you fell for that trick, Scarface!"

"Not so fast!" Zell grabbed his ankle, pulling him backwards. "Hey!" Irvine lost his balance, falling back onto to Nida.

Rinoa held her breath as Zell almost reached the edge. Then he disappeared underneath it. She cursed under her breath. "And it looks like Zell is the winner!" Rinoa was crying as the boy pried the money from her hand, giving it to everyone else, because she was the only one who bet on Irvine.

Rinoa followed the crowd to the elevator, still crying. The elevator came up...

"Irvine? Where's Zell?"

Irvine wrung his ponytail out, dropping water onto the floor. "He... didn't exactly make it to the water.

"Nida."

"Yeah?"

"I can't feel my legs."

"Me neither."

"Then get off of me!"

Zell pushed Nida off of him and sat up. "Where are we?"

"Zell... we're on the ring!"

Zell's eyes widened. "OHMYGODWHEREISSHEWHEREIDDAGIRL! INEWTHATTAPEWUZZEVELINEWITWUZZ! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

"Zell! Not that ring. The rotary ring."

Sure enough, Zell and Nida sat on the golden ring that rotated along the bottom of the Garden.

"Zell... I get motion sickness when I go in circles..." Nida's face turned blue.

"No... not on the shirt... no!"

"BLEGH!"

"Oh, God, it's everywhere..."

Rinoa beamed as she swiped cash from each outstretched hand. "Thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you..." As the crowd dispersed, Rinoa walked with Xu and Nida. "I got all your money," Rinoa bragged. "I'm rich... I got all your money."

"Hey, who's that guy?" They noticed a strange-looking man walking in their direction. "I don't know... is he a student? I've never seen him around here before." As they passed, he threw out his foot, kicking Nida in the crotch.

"OH GOD! THE PAIN!"

"Oh my God what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"You mother-f... argh the pain!"

"Who the hell are you, dude? We'll kick your ass right now!"

The man smiled. "Hey, you won't believe this. You just got kicked in the crotch."

They were astounded. "Oh my God... no way!"

"Way! You've been on Spy TV!"

"Whoa dude are you serious?"

"Oh my God I love that show!"

Rinoa was pensive when she squirmed into the bed next to Squall that night. "Squall?"

"Mhm?"

"I'm glad we know who we love."

"Hm?"

"I mean, not like Zell and Irvine and Selphie. I'm just glad we don't fight over something like that."

"That's only because the thought of Quistis and me in a relationship makes me puke."

"I know. It makes us all puke. Even her. Good night, Squall."

"Good night."

"They're never gonna find us."

"Will you stop crying?"

"Zell! All four of our legs are broken! What are the chances! I say, fate's conspiring against us!"

"Oh, come on, you thought your breakfast was conspiring against you."

"The letters spelled 'ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'. Like a ghost! A ghost is trying to haunt me!"

"Didn't you have Cheerios for breakfast?"

"So?"

Zell sighed. "So what else is conspiring against you?" he asked rhetorically.

"...there was a gremlin in my car."

"Oh for God's sake! Now I suppose an evil monkey lives in your closet!"

"Actually, that belongs to Seth MacFarlane and the people of family guy."

"Oh... where'd you hear that?"

"From his evil lawyer conspiring against me who lives in my closet."

And THAT... my friends... is the **_LAST CHAPTER_**. There will be **_NO MORE CHAPTERS_** after this one. Also in the the FF8 category by Desertman is the new Squall's Saviors and soon-to-come Year of the Fujin. Thanks for reading :)


End file.
